Happy 3 year Gotcha Day!

It has been three years since we walked into Beijing SWI and took the hand of Ren Qianting to bring her home.  

We have gone from this:

 To this:

And from here:

To here:

The last post was waayyyy back in June of 2011, just two months after arriving home with Lydia, TingTing as we called her at the time.  Then much to the dismay of all who followed us while we were in China, I abruptly stopped the updates.  

To answer the question: why'd you quit blogging? I have to give a very honest answer: because life got hard. Very soon after our last post at Lydia's 4th birthday, we came to the end of what we refer to as the honeymoon. And very quickly our life became very hard and very real for what has felt like a very long time. Between Lydia's adjustments and our own adjustments, as well as some challenging health problems for me, not only could I not find the energy or time to write on the blog, I have to say honestly I couldn't even process my days well enough sometimes to write about them in a coherent way. Instead I was the one reading some blog posts of others who were in the trenches with us trying to find some sense and encouragement for what we were wading through. 

Parenting, true parenting, is never for the faint of heart. And parenting hurting children is not for the faint of heart, body, or soul. But God is good - all the time - even in valleys and climbing out of them up rocky hills. And as you get up the hill and peek back at the view, it seems that's when we can glimpse the beauty of the valley that we couldn't see as clearly when we were in it. 

The grief - silent angry grief, the passive aggression, the paralyzing fear, the happy-girl facade - all of it makes the person who is emerging that much more beautiful. This precious little girl who is so intelligent, so focused, who seeks approval and affirmation to no end, who actually plays - really plays now, who is still haunted by fears but is learning to conquer those fears through trust - we didn't know this little girl at all at the beginning. And it has taken a faith larger than we knew we had even three years ago today when she first took my hand. 

I don't write this to sound overly dramatic, but rather to be honest and transparent. It hasn't been every minute happiness and stability. In fact there were many days that felt everything but that. But the truth is, we have to choose to "count it all joy", as it's all a part of this journey that the Lord has taken us on. And as the video shows, there have been so many moments of joy and fun and just learning to do life together.  And where we are today is so different than where we were 3 years ago, it's really quite hard to put into words.  The feelings are more felt and certainly more shown, the happiness is more genuine, the smiles are more relaxed (mine too for that matter), the days are more consistent, the relationships are more trusted, grace is given more freely, and the Lord is more relied upon.

Anytime there is this much personal growth in this amount of time for this many people, it's never what we would call "easy". But it's definitely what we would call good. 

To God be the glory!

Happy Birthday, Lydia TingTing!!!

Today was Lydia's 4th birthday, or at least the day we recognize as her 4th birthday.  It is a different sort of thing to have a child with an unknown birthdate.  It's just one of those unknowns from her first few years of life that we, and she, will have to come to accept.  The presence of those "unknowns" is one of the things that I am still adjusting to, and one of the major differences I have found between this journey of finding our daughter and the two journeys of having our two biological daughters.  In honesty, I have a hard time some days letting go of those unknowns.  It about drives me mad some days when I just can't stop wondering when I look at her - who was she born to and where is that mother now, where did she live before she arrived at the orphanage, how did her life look in the orphanage, does she miss anything from that part of her life....  So many things I wonder on a daily basis that I will simply never have the answers to.  It's almost like backwards faith.  It's not trusting and believing in God's perfect plan only for the furture, but it is trusting and believing that He carried out His perfect plan in the unknown past as well.  It's trusting that those prayers from four and five years ago - that our daughter would always have someone to look after her and meet her needs, that she would not be left crying alone, that God would hold her in His hands until He placed her in ours - it's trusting that those prayers were faithfully answered.  We have no confirmation of the answers to those prayers, except the beautiful, happy, and so-far well adjusted daughter that we have in our arms today.  So it tests my faith to trust in reverse, that the reason we have this precious girl is because God heard our pleas and in His goodness, answered.

So today was Lydia's "official" estimated birthday.  We are having a party on Saturday so we didn't actually mention it today at all.  Seems odd, except we are only roughly communicating to her that she is even having a birthday.  So it seemed it would be confusing if we acknowledged it today, and then again on Saturday.  Once she has more language and more understanding of what a birthday is, that won't be an issue anymore obviously.  But for this year - the first celebrated birthday - we will just honor the day on Saturday.  It should be a really fun thing - to give a little one their very first birthday celebration in their honor.  We've been trying to explain it to her and she seems to understand a bit - "Happy Birthday to Ting Ting...." she sings.  And then she says, "pretty soon!"  Although if she understands exactly what pretty soon means, I have no idea!  But however little she understands what this whole birthday thing is about, I'm 100% sure she will understand fully after Saturday!

Here are some recent pictures of her.  They are from after we had been at a local art fair and she had gotten her face painted.  Isn't it amazing with children, how many expressions you can catch all within just a few minutes?  I love ALL of them!  It's also amazing how children get more and more beautiful every day that you love them.  I could stare at her deep dark brown eyes all day.  I think sometimes she must wonder why Mama sits and looks at her so much!

We love you, Lydia TingTing!

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Portraits

Tonight I am mostly going to just post the portraits from yesterday.  I don't have a video to post becasuse Lydia had too grumpy of a day to get one!  I have several more ideas for little things she is doing lately that I can video, but I will have to hope she is in a better mood tomorrow and I can take a couple of quick videos.  Don't know what was up today, but she does have these days from time to time where she just is grumpy and testy.  I guess we all have those now and then huh?  I do have to say, on those days I am quite thankful for my two older girls so I know that it's not just my imagination, or that it isn't just ME that's off.  It does make me question if it's just me, but when we all notice it, then I know I'm not crazy!  Oh well, tomorrow is another day - at least this keeps it real!

Now on to those portraits....

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Wednesday's video

We had a busy day today!  Lydia was tired and ready to sleep from about 3:30 this afternoon through the rest of the day!  We finally got pictures done with the three girls this morning.  It took me a little longer than I would have liked to get around to getting them done, but the results were worth the effort!  It's not my favorite thing by any stretch (is it any Mom's I'd be curious?).  It's just always so much work to get them all clean and dressed and happy at the same time!  So I self admitedly procrastinated this from the time we arrived home with Lydia.  In the end, however, it went very well and I was probably the happiest I've ever been with photos from this particular studio.  We did get a photo CD, so maybe in tomorrow's post I can include some of the pictures we had taken today.

For today, I'll post a few more of my own photos as well as the video from today.

The video is of her singing in the car with a kids CD to the song Alive, Alive.  She knows several other songs quite a bit better than this one, but she certainly gives this one her best try since it has lots of words and some big ones to tackle as well, like "Hallelujah!"  Hopefully in the next couple of days we can get a good video of her two favorite songs!

The photos today are some that I took on a sunny day in our front yard after church while she was still in her dress.  I have some that I love of each Grace and Mary Emma when they were younger also in the grass.  So I decided to try and get a comparable one of Lydia.  So pretty!!  I look at her every day and wonder how we were so blessed as to be given this precious little girl to be our daughter!

And my personal favorite.....

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My long awaited Mother's Day activity

Several years ago, we made mosaic stepping stones for my mom and Jim's mom with Grace and Mary Emma's hand and/or foot prints in them.  They were a large undertaking, especially with younger children that tend to either throw fits because they have to put their hand or foot in yucky, wet, messy stuff (Grace!), or because they are young enough that when you put their hand into the wet cement they grab hold of it and make a fist!  Whatever the reason, they were a big job, and so I never repeated the project for myself to have a set.  Well the idea of someday adopting was in our hearts for a long time, so eventually I just tucked the stepping stone idea in the back of my brain with the cobwebs and said, "Someday.  Someday, I will give myself a Mother's Day gift and make stepping stones with all three girls the same year."  That splendid idea has been hiding in the cobwebs for 4 or 5 years.  I persisted in waiting year after year, liking the idea of doing all of them the same year - capturing the three different sizes of three different girls.  Until last year.  Last year just before Mother's Day I saw the mosaic stepping stone kits on sale at Michael's and I said, "Forget it.  I have NO idea if or when this adoption thing will EVER happen.  By the time we ever get this third daughter - IF we ever get this third daughter, Grace will have grown completely past the age of stamping a hand or foot into cement."  And indeed, with each year that passes, her hands and feet get a little further from that, "Aw, look how small your hand was" phase.  (Actually, her hands are bigger than mine already....)  So like I said, last year my faith waivered, I doubted our journey, I questioned our calling, and I momentarily gave up on the all-three-at-once stepping stone idea.  So I bought two kits and planned to spend my Mother's Day last year making a stone for each Grace and Mary Emma.  Well, thankfully God seems to have His hand even in the little details - even the ones we think are only important to ourselves.  So He kept me busy last year on Mother's Day - busy enough that go figure, I simply couldn't get around to doing that stepping stone project.  Maybe the next weekend, I thought.  Nope.  So busy.  So distracted.  Wouldn't you know, that project just never moved to the top of the priority list and those two kits got buried in the cobwebs in the garage just like my splendid idea.  Fast forward 6 months.  It's amazing what changes 6 months can bring!  Within 6 months we went from waivering faith and questioning our calling, through exploring the China waiting child program, doing the additional paperwork to enter the China waiting child program, struggling through hoping each month for a referral off of the new list of waiting children, struggling through turning down referrals from the new list, comparing the matching process of other agencies, asking lots of questions about different agencies, and finally seeing the face of our sweet daughter in Novemeber.  One day shortly after accepting Lydia's referral, I was in Michaels and noticed those stepping stone kits on sale again.  I honestly hadn't given them a thought, but that day in the store they brought a huge smile to my face.  I knew this would finally be the year!  So I got myself a third kit and there they sat keeping the cobwebs in the garage company just a little bit longer.  Until last Sunday on Mother's Day, when I finally dusted off the cobwebs and took the time to complete my long awaited Mommy gift...with all three of my girls.

Me and my helpers sorting through the glass pieces that we use for the mosaic

After watching both of her big sisters do their hand and foot print in the cement, Lydia was VERY ready for her turn!

"You mean, you are actually going to let me put my hand in THAT!?  And I won't even get in trouble for getting messy!?"



She thought this whole process was just plain funny and worthy of bubbly giggles!  She giggled at her sisters doing their prints, and she giggled all the way through hers!

I think she must have thought we were crazy to be doing such a strange thing.  But she didn't seem to care if she did think we were crazy - she just wanted to join in for her turn!



"These people are so funny!  They let me get messy.....on PURPOSE!"



Washing off in the bucket.  Even washing it off was entertaining!

I LOVE this picture.  It catches her standing so still, just watching and studying.  She does this a LOT with us.  I just wish I knew what she was thinking as she watches us.

The video for today is of us doing the hand and foot print with Lydia.  Turn up the sound because she has this little giggle that bubbles out of her the whole time!

The finished project....



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