Today was Lydia's 4th birthday, or at least the day we recognize as her 4th birthday. It is a different sort of thing to have a child with an unknown birthdate. It's just one of those unknowns from her first few years of life that we, and she, will have to come to accept. The presence of those "unknowns" is one of the things that I am still adjusting to, and one of the major differences I have found between this journey of finding our daughter and the two journeys of having our two biological daughters. In honesty, I have a hard time some days letting go of those unknowns. It about drives me mad some days when I just can't stop wondering when I look at her - who was she born to and where is that mother now, where did she live before she arrived at the orphanage, how did her life look in the orphanage, does she miss anything from that part of her life.... So many things I wonder on a daily basis that I will simply never have the answers to. It's almost like backwards faith. It's not trusting and believing in God's perfect plan only for the furture, but it is trusting and believing that He carried out His perfect plan in the unknown past as well. It's trusting that those prayers from four and five years ago - that our daughter would always have someone to look after her and meet her needs, that she would not be left crying alone, that God would hold her in His hands until He placed her in ours - it's trusting that those prayers were faithfully answered. We have no confirmation of the answers to those prayers, except the beautiful, happy, and so-far well adjusted daughter that we have in our arms today. So it tests my faith to trust in reverse, that the reason we have this precious girl is because God heard our pleas and in His goodness, answered.
So today was Lydia's "official" estimated birthday. We are having a party on Saturday so we didn't actually mention it today at all. Seems odd, except we are only roughly communicating to her that she is even having a birthday. So it seemed it would be confusing if we acknowledged it today, and then again on Saturday. Once she has more language and more understanding of what a birthday is, that won't be an issue anymore obviously. But for this year - the first celebrated birthday - we will just honor the day on Saturday. It should be a really fun thing - to give a little one their very first birthday celebration in their honor. We've been trying to explain it to her and she seems to understand a bit - "Happy Birthday to Ting Ting...." she sings. And then she says, "pretty soon!" Although if she understands exactly what pretty soon means, I have no idea! But however little she understands what this whole birthday thing is about, I'm 100% sure she will understand fully after Saturday!
Here are some recent pictures of her. They are from after we had been at a local art fair and she had gotten her face painted. Isn't it amazing with children, how many expressions you can catch all within just a few minutes? I love ALL of them! It's also amazing how children get more and more beautiful every day that you love them. I could stare at her deep dark brown eyes all day. I think sometimes she must wonder why Mama sits and looks at her so much!
We love you, Lydia TingTing!
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